Can I be a “Swinger” and Still be a Good Parent?

For those of us who are moms, we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to get parenting “right.” We want to do the best we can for our children. We might feel guilty when we take time to invest in ourselves and explore our own sexuality.

Society tells us that our role as mothers is to focus on our children, sometimes at the expense of our own health and needs.

Since I started my journey of sexual discovery a few years ago, I’ve thought a lot about its impact on my two girls. My job focuses around children and their mental health, so it’s an issue that is often at the forefront of my mind.

And guess what? Every time I think about it, I reach the same conclusion: My journey in the lifestyle has improved my parenting. Probably most importantly is how lifestyle exploration has increased my confidence as a woman. In the lifestyle, my self-esteem has improved, and my understanding and acceptance of what I want for myself has skyrocketed. I have become more confident in using my words, speaking up for what I want or don’t want. All of this transfers to other areas of my life as well and my children see a model of female empowerment and comfort in my own self and sexuality.

My lifestyle experience has also strengthened my relationship with my husband. While it was always good, the increased communication and trust that comes along with “swinging” helps make our relationship better than it has ever been. My children see that too. They see the joy between their parents and the commitment we have to good communication and to treating each other with love and respect. They also see that we are affectionate and have fun together. That we go out on “date’ nights and look forward to spending time together as a couple.

The example of a loving and fun partnership is one that they will carry forward as they make decisions about their own lives and relationships.

I’ve always been pretty open-minded and fortunate to be raised in a family that did not instill sexual shame or guilt. My mother was a sex educator and open talk about sexual issues was normal in our house. Even still, I struggled in early parenting trying to figure out how to best talk about sexuality with my own children. I provided a lot of sex positive books and information but wasn’t sure how to work it in to everyday talk. But my lifestyle journey has opened my mind even further to all kinds of sexual identities, expression, and relationship structures. I have become much more comfortable with intentionally providing sex positive messages to my children.

For most of us living in the United States, our children receive little to no sex education in school, and certainly not sex education that positively addresses sexual identity, pleasure, or alternative relationship structures. So, what can we do to raise children who are sex positive? Children who embrace and take joy in their own sexuality and respect and honor how others experience their own? Many of us want to support our children to become sexually competent and confident adults, but are unsure how to do that in a culture that on one hand, exploits sexual acts and images, especially related to girls and women, and on the other hand, teaches a great deal of sexual repression and shame.

For myself, one of the most important things I try to remember is that sex positive parenting is more than just “The Talk.” It is about all the little conversations we have with our children or the conversations we allow them to overhear between their parents or other important adults. Since beginning my lifestyle adventure I intentionally look for ways to share open-minded and sex-positive messages with my children. I have said things like, “some girls like boys, some like girls, some like both, and some like neither – it’s all okay.” I also share alternative perspectives to monogamy saying that some people choose to be with just one person while others may be happier dating or loving more than one other person. I bring up books I’m reading such as Sex at Dawn (by Christopher Ryan & Cacilda Jetha) and talk about research that questions the assumption that sexual monogamy is natural to our species. I mention these things in passing, as a topic of interest and not necessarily continued as an extended discussion. The goal is not to push or advocate for one “right” way of sexuality or relationships, but to expose them to the range of possibilities that people might choose for themselves. My hope is that by sharing these open-minded messages casually and often that my children will be comfortable to seek me out now and in the future with questions they may have about their sexuality and expression of it. I also hope that they grow into young adults who embrace an open and accepting perspective – of their own sexuality and the sexuality of others’ – and that they feel empowered to seek joy and pleasure in sex and are not boxed in by uncertainty and shame.

I (along with my husband) choose not to share details about my experience in the swinging lifestyle with my children, the same way I prefer not to share details with them about our sexual activities with each other. Some parents may choose a different path. The comfort level for personal sharing is different in each family. For me, my intentional focus on sex positive messaging allows me to be authentic in my parenting, sharing my values and perspectives with my children without sharing details about my own sex life.

So, can you be a “swinger” and also be a good parent? I think the answer is a resounding “Yes!” and that as sexually confident women, we can support each other with tips and strategies for sex positive parenting. For those interested, there are many resources and books available to help teach children from a very young age about issues such as consent, gender and sexual identity, healthy relationships, and sexual health and pleasure. For tweens and teens, https://www.scarleteen.com/ is a great place to start.