DoneDad:
“So my Wife and I have been together for some time. Over time she’s become less interested in sex . I’ve tried to open up communication, find out what she likes, what turns her on but its been a never ending battle.
I got her to download Spicer and we’ve answered questions. I opened it up today and looked through some results.
I found that she did answer one question maybe. The question is “Let partner have sex without you”. She answered no for herself but maybe for me. (as in she wouldn’t have sex without me, but maybe for me to do it without her) I was pretty turned on thought of maybe opening up to new experiences, and I got her to have a little fun where I pulled out every stop. (It’s been hard to try when she’s not been that sexual and it feels like shes just doing it for me) After I went down the list of questions and kind of made a little deal of what did she mean by maybe. She seemed to be playing dumb with the question, so i didn’t push the maybe for me but why no for her. She just said she didn’t want to have sex with anyone else.
We did talk about her anxiety that comes with her not wanting sex, and I reinforced that our relationship is more than sex and I don’t want to pressure her into sex but would rather want her to want it more often instead, but know she cant change that. It kind of ended on that as I didn’t want to just blurt out have you ever thought of opening up or relationship.
I’m trying to get up the nerve to push more on opening it up. I know opening up would fill the sexual needs I have, would remove the stress on her, and I think if she wants to experiment it might make her feel sexy. I know after awhile of your SO saying they think you’re sexy that kind of wears off. I hope I can finally ask and maybe we can workout some rules to keep us happy and in line.”
Ams:
Oh, this is a tough one. Opening up your marriage when the two of you are on shaky ground is really playing with fire. You can and should share with her that you find that your current sex life does not feel satisfying, and share with her your desires, but she has the absolute right to say “no” to any of those things (I’ve been on the other side of that conversation, and it SUCKS, but that’s part of the vow that you made).
I also really encourage the two of you to explore why she is not feeling super sexual right now. Is it possible that she feels overwhelmed by household or childcare responsibilities (maybe you should put down the sex toy and pick up the vacuum!)? Let her lead this conversation, or maybe even find a way for her to express herself in writing instead of a face to face conversation, if that’s more comfortable for her.
Lot’s of women come into the bedroom with tons of baggage. You might have to be patient and understanding while your wife figures her sexual interests out.
Good luck and let us know how it goes!
