With more and more couples choosing to live a life outside traditional monogamy, it can be hard to keep up with what the difference is between ethical non-monogamy, the swinging lifestyle, polyamory, and other nontraditional relationships. Television shows and movies seem to usually get it wrong, but as someone that practices a few of these lifestyles, I will give them credit for at least trying to educate the public about those of us that dare to live outside the lines of society.
However, one kind of “arrangement” I am constantly having to advocate for and educate others about is the hotwifing niche. If you are here reading this, I’m guessing you might know a thing or two about what being a hotwife entails, but just in case:
Refinery29 interviewed hotwife lifestyle coach and practicing hotwife, Alexis McCall in 2018, who defines this act as, “a married woman whose marriage is open on her end only, so that she can date other men and have sex with them, with both the permission and encouragement of her husband, in order to fulfill his fantasy of sharing her with other men, to the benefit of their marriage.”
McCall’s definition of “Hotwifing” is the version my husband and I follow when I act as a hotwife. While there are several different ways a woman can act as a Hotwife, I think there are some blanket misconceptions about us that definitely need to be cleared up!
Not All Hotwives Are Super Models
The term “Hotwife” projects a whole plethora of images in the minds of people everywhere. If you are like me, you picture a drop-dead-gorgeous woman venturing off the beaten path of marriage and having sex with a Fabio-esque man that is not her husband. However, let me inform you that not every hotwife is a size 0 or looks like Sofia Vergara.
Your Tango even claims: “Hotwife” is a term that can apply to any woman whose husband feels she is hot enough to attract other men.”
The term “hot” can mean different things to different people. Some of my friends that are also practicing Hotwives include a lovely woman in her mid 50’s, another is a delicious plus-size blonde, and I can assure you I am not a typical Covergirl beauty either. A Hotwife is beautiful to her husband and the men they choose to have sex with her, and we come in many different flavors.
Our Husbands Are Not Lesser Men
I can’t tell you the number of people, men in particular, that think just because my husband and I partake in the Hotwife Lifestyle, that must mean that my husband can’t keep it up or fuck me properly. In fact, recently, my husband was perusing a swinger board we use to find potential Bulls for me to have sex with, and a 24-year-old single male reached out. My husband knows what I like in my Bulls, and this skinny child-like weirdo wasn’t it. When he politely declined his advance this is the exact response we got:
“I’m sorry your wife has to fuck other men because you can’t satisfy her.”
There were some explicit references to my “loose” vagina and my husband having a small penis (none of which are true), but this is the perfect example of what singles or people not into the Hotwife Lifestyle assume about my husband and the other husbands that partake in this with their wives.
Newsflash: Our spouses love us enough to let us fuck other men WITH their permission. In fact…they encourage it! Then, we go home and fuck our favorite man in the entire world. Ask any Hotwife and she will tell you that the sex between her and her husband is the most mind-blowing and intense she’s ever had. This is particularly true after a Hotwife experience — reclamation sex is O-M-G! Oh, and I can assure you my husband fucks me properly, it’s half of the reason I married the man, after all.
We Are Dirty Sluts That Will Fuck Anyone
Listen, I like having sex. I like fucking people outside of my marriage. I like that my husband has sex with people outside of our marriage. We have both been in polyamorous relationships in the past and we are very active members of the Swinging Lifestyle. But, that doesn’t mean I’m going to have intercourse with just anyone!
Like the jerkoff mentioned above, many men (and some women) assume that a Hotwife will sleep with anything with a swinging dick. Well, let me tell you right now that is absolutely ludicrous!
In fact, finding a good Bull is often a very long, tedious process. Many husbands play a big part in searching out and vetting the bull that will be with their Hotwife. My husband has a three-tiered screening process so that I am safe and happy. These include word-of-mouth or personal references, background checks, and several in-person meetings that must happen before a man passes his assessment. On top of that, I’m picky. In the last several years I’ve acted as a Hotwife, I’ve slept with three Bulls. Most Hotwives I know have a similar number. Attraction is important and just like a swinging or a poly relationship, I am not going to just enter a sexual relationship with just anyone.
We Are Being Pushed To Sleep With Other Men
Okay, so part of this myth is true. After all, the entire purpose of this lifestyle is for us to sleep with other men with our husbands’ encouragement, right? But, let me tell you something…the Hotwife holds all the power in this dynamic. She is in charge of everything. She says when it will happen. She says what she will and won’t do. She is the boss.
Also, in this arrangement, both the husband and the Bull understand this. The comfort of the Hotwife is of the utmost importance. She is playing a role that she wants to play. If a woman is being forced to do anything other than this, then there is something wrong and that is something else entirely!
He Eats His Cum?!
All across the internet, there are various versions of Hotwife erotica. Yours truly even writes wicked tales of the Hotwifing culture, some based on a true story. Some writers write the version of events where a Bull cums into the Hotwife’s pussy, then the husband eats the Bull’s cum out of it. Now, I’m not going to knock anyone else’s version of play, but this is NOT what we do.
My husband usually isn’t even present when I am with my Bull. He prefers to hear about it after I’m done. Remember the lengthy vetting process for my safety and pleasure! While some men like to be in the room, sitting in a dark corner watching their wife get her brains fucked out, that doesn’t mean they are into being treated like a Cuckold. For us, the Cuckold scene is something else entirely. That doesn’t make it wrong, but I just want it to be made clear that not every husband is into being shamed in any sort of manner.
As a sex writer, I try really hard to inform others about aspects of the sexual experience that they might not be familiar with. I am no expert by any means, but I can speak to what it is like to be a Hotwife. It is an intimate set up between a couple and a trusted friend. There is a lot of trust involved in this kind of play.
So many men think that a man lets his wife go off and fuck another man because he has issues of his own, but the vast majority of the time, that just isn’t true. Couples that live ethical nonmonogamy live by a different set of rules. In my honest opinion, there is a deeper level of intimacy that comes with allowing your partner to have sex with others and knowing that they will come back home to you at the end.
Hotwifing is something my husband and I use to enhance our sexual experience with each other. It is a role-playing game of the naughtiest nature — that we are in charge of and only happens when it’s right for the both of us. We are both willing participates and if one of us wanted to stop tomorrow, that’s what we’d do.